Another lighthearted short this week.
It’s about a man who tries to cheat death.
It’s remarkable that this one was made by a group of students.
Another lighthearted short this week.
It’s about a man who tries to cheat death.
It’s remarkable that this one was made by a group of students.
Something a little more lighthearted.
We’ve all had mornings like this one.
Local couple Joshua Barns, 25, and Alexandra Evans, 22, were experiencing some relationship problems.
“Things were pretty bad.” Admitted Barns, smiling sheepishly at his girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Evans agreed. “It just seemed like there was no hope for us.”
When prompted, the now-stable couple went into detail about their problems.
“Well, it just seemed like we were always fighting. Not about anything in particular, just fighting about anything and everything. Whenever I came home, I felt like I was stepping into a boxing ring with Allie.”
“I hate to admit it, but it’s true. We were always at odds. Everything we said to one another smacked of bitterness and resentment, if we were even speaking to each other. Usually we would break long, uncomfortable silences with snippy, thinly veiled insults.” Alexandra confirmed her boyfriend’s claims.
The couple speculated on what exactly caused their three year relationship to fall apart. Alexandra cited her boyfriend’s emotional dependence on marijuana use and the fact that he had been unemployed for almost a year. Joshua responded by mentioning the deep, caustic resentment he felt toward Alexandra for forcing him to stay with her in Boston instead of taking a lucrative job offer across the country in Los Angeles.
But just when things seemed doomed, something amazing happened.
“I was reading an issue of Cosmo that was talking about relationship problems. It went through some boring cures we had already tried- talking to each other, being honest about what we truly want, doing what makes you the most happy. None of those were working out for us. Then it mentioned something we hadn’t tried. Anal. It seemed almost too good to be true.”
Joshua smiled knowingly. “I was skeptical, to be completely frank. We’d never done anal before and I really couldn’t see how it could repair the months of damage mutual emotional neglect had done. But then one night we both got drunk and said ‘fuck it, let’s give this a shot.'”
And give it a shot they did. After engaging in anal sex, things immediately turned around.
“It was amazing.” Alexandra beamed. “It was like all the tension in our relationship was gone as soon as he slipped into my butt.”
Joshua put his arm around his girlfriend. “I don’t know how to describe it. I think we just…pounded away all of the negativity.”
However, the couple made it clear that there are still issues between them.
“Oh, we still fight all the time.”
“All the time.” Alexandra repeated, nodding and smiling. “But now whenever we get into arguments, we just make up with anal sex. Then everything goes back to when we first met each other.”
“It really is a miracle cure.” said Joshua. “Way better than talking things out.”
Area Man Jay Burns, 28, returned home from work late yesterday afternoon looking forward to unwinding in front of the television with a joint between his lips.
He was unpleasantly surprised to find that while his stash was not gone, he knew that there was only going to be one more smoke session before he was completely dry.
Jay could recall how the majority of the weed had been smoked. “Yeah, I was pretty let down when I saw my stash. I forgot that me and my boy Jeff smoked a blunt the other night and used pretty much all of that eighth I got.”
He was disappointed because he had a particularly long day of work and was looking forward to getting insanely baked. “I was ready to take a gram to the dome. But that ain’t gonna happen. There’s barely enough for a bowl here, let alone a joint. And it’s mostly shake, too, which is really just the worst. I mean, yeah, it’ll get me high, but come on. What am I, a peasant?”
Weed experts examined his supply to confirm that it was, indeed, a weak-ass excuse for a bag, recommending for Burns to make use of a bong, or more ideally, a grav in order to maximize his level of highness.
At press time, Burns was smoking the measly ration of marijuana from his bowl while searching through his phone for his dealer’s number.
Another prompt. I got a little silly with this one.
Mother Nature is a little milf-y
If you know what I mean.
Yeah, she’s an old broad,
But still fine as fine can be.
Don’t believe me? Look around you. The proof’s all there-
Just look at the birds, or fish, or wild hopping hare.
Yes, she’s a naughty girl, that Mother Nature.
I love her so much, I think I might date her.
I’d hold myself to her earthy breast
And prance naked in her delta.
I’d bury my face in her flowers
Because I love the smell of her.
Yeah, me and Mother Nature, we have a good thing.
No matter the season I love her
Come summer, winter, fall, or spring.
I’ve made the decision to include guest posts on my blog from time to time because I know many talented writers and artists and want to A: show the world how talented they are, and B: receive partial credit by having them post on my blog. So, here’s the first of what will hopefully be a long succession of guest posts here: Michael Ostrow’s Five Funniest. Enjoy.
“You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought, “Too soon for Arabs.” Maybe next year. Um… You know, the ball’s in their court.”
With the pilot of The Office being quite literally a remake of the pilot from the British series, “Diversity Day” is the U.S. series’ first real go at it. And one hell of a go it is. The episode centers around the coming of a speaker to teach the employees of Dunder Mifflin about the importance of tolerance and diversity. Or so we think: it’s later revealed that the speaker, Mr. Brown (not a test, that’s his real name), only needed to collect a signature from boss Michael Scott. All the other signatures? Just so he could save face in front of his staff. With a sour taste left in his mouth, Scott decides to do his own diversity day. And the results are amazing. The peak of this episode involves a note-card-on-the-forehead type game, where instead of famous people, everyone has to guess which race they have. These scenes are a gold mine of hilarious exchanges, such as Kevin and Angela’s “Wanna get high?” “No.” “I think you do… mon.”, or Pam and Dwight’s “OK, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.” “Aw, man, am I a woman?!?” The Office always hit the nail on the head when it comes to typical human behavior when put in an uncomfortable situation, and this episode in particular really pushes the discomfort, see Michael Scott doing an insanely racist imitation of an Indian convenience store owner to Kelly Kapoor, finally, or (who else) Scott asking Oscar Martinez if there’s something “less offensive” than Mexican he can call him. After all, there are certain connotations. If someone ever asks you to show them the line between racist and hilarious, just show them “Diversity Day” and they’ll understand.
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“I… am breaking up with… you.”
“I really am.”
“Never expected this did you?”
What did Seinfeld do better than pointing out the quirks of human socialization? And what, if anything, pointed out the quirks of human socialization better than Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David’s 90’s TV sensation? This episode finds George Costanza dating a woman, Noel, who is by all accounts (George’s most of all) well out of his league. Sensing that he would soon be dumped, George take’s pal Cosmo Kramer’s “incredible” advice and decides to outmaneuver her with “a preemptive breakup”. And it works. George now has all the hand. The scene where he pulls off the breakup is marvelously revealing of George’s true inner piece-of-shit: he goes in thinking that at best he would be escaping this relationship with his dignity intact, and soon finds himself saying that Noel should be thinking about him at all times when she plays piano. What a guy. The other subplots of this episode hold plenty of water in their own right: Kramer’s attempts to market a cologne that smells like the beach and Jerry being forced to host an intervention (it’s not a surprise party!). The culmination of this episode, though, has to be when George finally gets his comeuppance. After finding out the George’s close friend Elaine was laughing through one of her recitals, Noel gives George a taste of his own medicine and dumps him on the spot, leading to one of the classic exchanges of the series: “You can’t break up with me! I’ve got hand!” “And you’re going to need it!” It’s almost a sin to have to choose one episode of Seinfeld, as there are plenty of classics that never fail to leave me in stitches, but the astute social commentary and overall hilarity of “The Pez Dispenser” make it my choice for this countdown.
“Ahh, take care Bollo. I’ll never forget you. We’ve had some crazy times here, have’t we… hehe. See you.”
“See ya, Harold.”
In a series which made its name from its absurdity, “The Nightmare of Milky Joe” stands it’s ground as a truly bizarre, and truly hilarious, bit of comedy. This episode finds Howard Moon and Vince Noir setting sail for the U.S.A. to make it big as musicians. Their plans hit a speed-bump, however, when they get thrown overboard when the captain finds Vince cutting his hair in the middle of the night. After some time stranded on a desert island, a sense of isolation sets in and forces our protagonists to go to extreme lengths to deal with their loneliness. This manifests itself in Milky Joe, a coconut on a stick Howard shares deep discussions with about jazz and Sartre: Milky even does a series of lectures on geology. Unfortunately for Howard, he soon finds himself one upped by Vince, who fashions himself not one, but two female coconut people to keep him company. Men have needs, after all, and Howard soon procures one of the two female coconut people and the two form a happy relationship. No, no, not happy. An abusive relationship. Howard is being abused by his coconut wife, and soon finds himself in hot water when he accidentally murders her when he finally decides to stand up for himself. Remember: stands up to an abusive coconut on a stick. Things snowball out of control for our heroes, as the pair find themselves in coconut court after working together to try and hide the corpse, and Milky Joe turns on them, delivering a scathing testimony against Howard’s character. The Mighty Boosh knows absurd, and “The Nightmare of Milky Joe” is like an absurd layer cake, with each absurd layer just that much more absurd than the one before.
“There he is… what the hell is this?!”
“Latvian independence parade. … Don’t look at me, they had the proper permits!”
“Dang it! We lost him! Luckily, I sent the diorama car to the chem lab to have the explosive analyzed, we can -“
“Isn’t that him playing the trejdeksnis?”
I fell in love with Community as soon as it aired back in 2009, with it’s blend of smart, witty writing and zany circumstances blending nicely for some excellent comedy. And no episode exemplifies this blend more than season 2’s “Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design”. The action begins with Jeff Winger being confronted by the dean of Greendale Community College about a certain independent study he was doing that semester: Conspiracy Theories in American History. While the topic sounds viable, sure enough, Winger’s ploy was completely bogus, he even stooped so low as to say he was doing the study under the guidance of a certain Professor Professorson (supposedly it’s Dutch for ‘professor’). Determined to fight his way to his own bitter end, Winger takes Dean Pelton, as well as an interested Annie Edison, to where this Professor Professorson’s office supposedly is. And much to the viewers, and Jeff’s surprise: he exists. While Jeff is satisfied to simply chalk it up to dumb luck, Annie is not so easily sated, and launches a full scale investigation, finding out that Professor Professorson was actually a student who faked a class and wound up having to fake a whole night school as his lie snowballed out of control. The episode culminates in a wild series of double crossings and fake outs, with the coup-de-grace being a local police officer showing up to warn the group about the dangers of fake guns. And not without reason: in 100% of fake gun related shootings, the victim is the one with the fake gun.
“It’s an axe.”
“It’s a bit dangerous, isn’t it?”
While most know about the brilliance of Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright, and Nick Frost through works such as Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, it was the TV series Spaced where the trio made their start, employing the same reference-laden humor that endeared us all to Shaun. In “Mettle”, three subplots find three of the show’s main characters all with their, well, mettle put to the test in various ways: Tim and Mike forced to rebuild a sabotaged robot which they were planning to use in robot wars, Daisy needing to put in an actual day’s hard work, and Brian having to come up with a last second installment for an art gallery after Paolo Vincenzo pulled out. This episode is full of pop culture references, Daisy almost leads a revolt against the wicked manager of the “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”-like restaurant in which she finds herself employed, and Time and Mike seek revenge against their robot saboteurs in an underground robot-wars arena (the first rule of robot club is you do not talk about robot club. The second rule is… no smoking). The lifeblood of this episode is in Brians escapades, knocking himself unconscious with a can of paint as he was searching for the last missing ingredient for his gallery installation. Things go swimmingly for our protagonists, landlady Marsha Klein even goes so far as to Brians piece “a knock out”, much to the chagrining amusement of Brian himself. Tim and Mike get their revenge, and Daisy escapes her job with dignity intact as well. Though the series was cut short before it had the chance to end well, in this particular episode, everything does.
(This clip isn’t actually from the episode, but it’s still amusing)
And there you have it, my top 5 most entertaining episodes of TV comedy. I hope you enjoyed reading it, and if you ever have the time, give some of these a watch. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them.
I don’t know what it is these days about the news, but I’ve been finding some great articles. Here’s another one that graced my local paper…
Man Courageously Comes Out To Parents
It was just another day for Martha Jones when her son Mark called her up and told her that he had something important to tell her. Little did she know that her entire world would be turned upside down.
“I thought he was in trouble at first, when he said that he needed to see me and my husband, his father, Burt…” said Martha. “He sounded so…serious”
“I knew that I was being a little dramatic, not telling them why I was coming over,” Mark shrugged. “I just needed to tell them in person and didn’t want to risk them leaving or locking me out or something…”
Mark arrived at his childhood home and sat his parents down in the living room. His heart pounded as he prepared to drop a bomb on them, a truth that would shake their relationship to the very core.
“I took Mom’s hand and looked her straight in the eye and told her the truth- that I’m a lesbian. I had no idea what to expect. But even just saying it out loud to them was such a good feeling. It was like a burden was lifted.”
However, his parents felt little relief upon hearing their only son’s shocking confession.
“I-I couldn’t believe it when he first said it,” said Martha, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “I thought we raised him right. I just don’t…know where we went…wrong…”
“It wasn’t our fault.” Burt added gruffly, putting a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “I’ll bet he learned it from those god-damned movies he’s always watchin’. I tell ya, he sure as hell didn’t learn it from me.” After a pause, he added, “I ain’t no queer.”
Things spiraled out of control from there. A shouting match broke out in the Jones’ living room, with Mark trying to explain and defend his lifestyle, while his parents wondered aloud why their son would do such a thing to them.
“They just don’t get it.” Mark crossed his arms over his chest. “I was born this way. I’ve always sort of noticed girls when they came my way. I mean, I can’t help it…” He smiled wryly and shook his head. “It’s not my fault women are so sexy… Can you blame me?”
“Makes me wanna puke my guts up.” says Mark’s Father. “What kinda lifestyle is that? ”
“I guess I’ll never have any grandchildren…” Martha sighed. “It just…breaks my heart. I mean, I’m his mother and will always love my little Marky, but knowing that he’s a…” She hesitated for a moment, but then steeled herself and forced herself to speak, “A lesbian. Changes things… I just wish I had our old Mark back…”
Upon asking him whether he had any regrets, Mark had this to say: “The only thing I regret is not telling them earlier. Do you realize how hard it was sneaking around with girls, keeping up the lie that we were ‘study partners’ or ‘teammates?'” He rolled his eyes. “I just don’t think it’s fair. If they really loved me, they’d just accept me for me.”
“If he thinks this is gonna fly, he’s got another thing coming,” said Burt on his son’s lesbianism. “We’ve already signed him up for a ‘Straight Camp.’ That’ll put him right. I ain’t raisin’ no lesbo, that’s for sure.”
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