Another piece of gold from local paper.

Timothy Hacksor, 14, is way cooler than anybody and has all of the leet skills, local sources say over Xbox Live. His kill to death ratio is completely unbeatable and he has actually gotten a tactical nuke before, which is more than Freddy Newbee, 13, can say for his piss-poor gaming skills.


Timothy Hacksor, aka G0r1ll4k0k.

“Yeah, I guess I’m just not very good.” Freddy said, averting his gaze. “He just kept killing me over and over. It didn’t matter what class I chose or what weapon he used. He always found a way to beat me.”

Timothy seemed proud as he was questioned on his gaming ability. “Yeah, I’m pretty good at COD. Started my own clan. You know, we’re pretty competitive. Haven’t lost a match yet. It’s gotten me a little attention from the ladies, if you know what I mean.”

Freddy knows exactly what Timothy means, as his mother was, apparently, one of the ladies that was giving him attention. “When he called me a faggot and told me that he just fucked my mom, I brushed it off. Then I started to think about it. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while and didn’t know where she was, so I called her. She picked up after a couple of rings and I could hear COD in the background and what sounded like Tim’s voice. I couldn’t believe it.”

When questioned, Faye Newbee, 42, had this to say about her exploits with Timothy Hacksor. “I mean, can you blame me? He totally owned my son’s ass on that last map. It was so sexy. I just had to go to his house and have sex with him. Even if he’s a minor, his skillz [sic] are just too¬†irresistible.”

“Yeah, I even got play COD while I was doing her. I was owning him with my grenade launcher while banging his mom. It was epic.” Timothy said with a shit-eating grin.

“I mean, the grenade launcher is pretty cheap. He shouldn’t feel so proud.” After a long pause of reflection, Freddy wiped a tear from his eye and mumbled. “I’m such a faggot noob. I should probably kill myself.”