I am a huge fan of all forms of mythology, but Greek mythology will always have a dear place in my heart.

That’s why I’m writing a post on my favorite of all of the characters in Greek mythology: Tiresias.

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That’s one bad motherfucker right there.

Tiresias wasn’t like a lot of the other heroes in Greek mythology. He wasn’t going around killing unkillable lions like Heracles (who is also known as Hercules). He wasn’t winning the Trojan War for the Greeks like Achilles. He didn’t even have any cool gear like that dick, Perseus.

Tiresias wasn’t even a hero. Instead, Tiresias played the role of the wise man, the blind seer who foretold the tragedy that was to come. Of course, being a character in Greek tragedy, nobody ever believed him.

My favorite story about him has nothing to do with his role in the utter downfall of others. This story is from his youth, when he was still young and stupid. See, Young Tiresias was walking down the path one day when he happened on two snakes fucking. He thought this was pretty gross and that the world had enough snakes hanging around, so like any other rational human carrying a walking stick, he killed one of the snakes.

For some reason, this really pissed Hera off, so, unable to think of any better punishment, she turned him into a woman.

Tiresias did what any other man would do if turned into a woman: he slutted it up hardcore. I’m not talking college freshman level of slutting, or even porn-star status. I’m saying that Tiresias was a legendary prostitute in a time where you couldn’t swing a dead cat without smacking at least a half-dozen prostitutes in the face. Anyways, the point is: dude got a lot of dick when he was a woman.

Seven years later, he was walking down the path (as a woman) and found another set of snakes boning. There is some dispute as to what Tiresias did when encountering these snakes: some think he left them alone, others think he killed the other snake, but my favorite version of this story is that he trampled both of the snakes. This, for some reason, reversed Hera’s curse and turned him back into a man.

Later, Zeus and Hera were having an argument over whether men or women got more pleasure from sex because they were tired of arguing about how much Zeus slept around. Hera was convinced that men had a better time, and Zeus believed the opposite.

So who should they call but Tiresias? After all, he had a wealth of experience having sex as both genders (dude was a huge manwhore in his day). So they ask Tiresias: Who has it better?

Tiresias, without missing a beat, says that men give ten times as much pleasure as they receive.

This also pissed Hera off, which caused her to strike Tiresias blind on the spot. Zeus, not being able to do anything to help Tiresias without getting into even deeper shit with his wife, gave Tiresias the ability to see into the future to make up for his loss.

The story of how Tiresias became blind is also up for debate. There’s that version I just recounted, then there’s also another version that involves Athena. Athena was another badass motherfucker who was the patron goddess of basically every awesome thing. However, because she was spending all of her time being awesome, Athena never found a minute to pop that cherry of hers. So she was a virgin and wanted to stay that way. She was so protective of her hymen that she wouldn’t even allow men to look at her naked body.

So Tiresias was walking down the path one day when he happened on a naked Athena bathing in a river. Athena immediately realized that she was no longer alone and struck Tiresias blind for gazing on her naked form. (Seeing Athena naked would not be a bad last image to have). Realizing that she might’ve overreacted making him irreversibly blind, Athena cut Tiresias a break and gave him the ability to understand the language of birds, which sounds pretty lame until you realize that the Greeks thought all birds knew the future and were constantly chirping about it.

These stories stand in stark contrast to the role that Tiresias usually took in the Greek plays and myths as a wise old man who can see that future that everyone ignores.

I don’t know why I like Tiresias so much. I guess it’s because he always gives people plenty of time to avoid their fate by warning them, and they’re always too stupid to believe him or act on his advice. I guess the role of Tiresias serves as a monument to the arrogance and stupidity of man.

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