More gold from the local paper.

Area Woman Totally Wants It

The lights were low in McGordan’s Pub last Saturday night when students Phillip Renchuck and Peter Morris were unwinding from the week’s labors.

It was around midnight and the bar was packed with undergrads. Phillip and Peter were enjoying a round of beers when Peter noticed Wanda Bates giving his friend the eye.


A snapshot of McGordan’s Pub last Saturday night

“I remember the look she had on her face when saw Phil. That bitch totally wanted his d,” said Peter.”She couldn’t take her eyes off him. But he didn’t do anything. Phil let her slip right through his fingers.”

When questioned, Phillip was not as certain as his friend on the nature of Wanda’s desires. “I mean, I guess she was looking my way. The bar was really crowded, so I can’t really be too sure. I didn’t want to make myself look stupid by going over there.”

Peter Morris maintains that she was looking in Phillip’s direction and was completely DTF. “See, Phil’s a little shy around the ladies, so even when they’re giving the go-ahead, he’ll try to play it off like they’re not interested. Even with a complete hardbody like that.”

“She wasn’t even that hot,” Phillip countered.

Because the two men had such differing opinions of the hotness in question, leading hardbody expert William Bhoanher was questioned to evaluate Wanda’s level of attractiveness.

“Under ideal conditions,” Bhoanher wrote in an official statement, “Miss Bates would be at an average level of attractiveness. But we have to take into account the conditions of the bar. First, there’s the dim lighting, which is an automatic one point bump on the classic one to ten scale. Then there’s her choice in wardrobe: her titties were, clinically speaking, looking ridiculous in that push-up bra, a very strategic choice on her part to get a 1.5 point bump. Finally, these two men have been drinking, which can be anywhere from a one to three point bump in her rating. In my professional opinion, I would say Phillip is a total pussy for not trying to bang her.”

While Bhoanher’s expert analysis proved Wanda’s level of attractiveness, it had little to say on Wanda’s DTF-atude.

“Oh yeah,” Wanda rolled her eyes when questioned about Phillip. “I remember that guy. This one time he was black out drunk and tried to hit on me. I’m glad he didn’t talk to me that night.”