Another piece of local news for your reading pleasure.
Man Takes Record-Breaking Shit
After a week of agonizing constipation, local resident Peter Kurick finally got some relief. Much to his surprise, it was the largest recorded bowel movement in human history, weighing in at fifteen pounds, completely shattering the previous record of ten pounds. What’s more impressive is that the bowel movement has a diameter of over four inches, leading many people to wonder just how this chunk of fecal matter managed to leave his body at all.
“Well, let’s just say I had a lot of coffee and cigarettes.” Peter said with a smirk. “But I think it was the prune juice that finally put me over the edge. Once I drank down that last can, I felt something shift in there and I knew it was coming.”
“This is remarkable,” said leading scatologist Wilfred Ump. “Never before have we seen a bowel movement this large. And in one piece no less! This is going to completely change the field of scatology!”
Apparently, shits as big as Peter’s usually need to be surgically extracted, but Peter’s fear of surgery made that option unfeasible. “Go under the knife just so they could get a piece of shit out of me? I don’t think so. The doctors all told me ‘Don’t do it! You’re gonna rupture your anus!’ Pfft. Shows what they know. I’ve got an anus of steel.”
Competitive Shitters all over the world are outraged by the size of the bowel movement, stating that Peter used performance enhancing drugs to increase the size of the shit. One Shitter spoke on the condition of anonymity. “I’ll bet he took laxatives. There’s no other way he could have taken a shit that big.”
Peter had this to say in response to the allegations: “Ah, let the haters hate. I took that dump the natural way: ate a side of beef, a swimming pool of baked beans, and three pigs worth of bacon. Drank a five gallon bucket of coffee and chain-smoked three packs of cigarettes. They’re just jealous because I made something that matters.” Peter Kurick then turned to his wife and baby daughter and narrowed his eyes. “Unlike some people I know.”