Another article I’ve dredged up from the depths of my local paper. Who writes this stuff?

100% of People Die From Milk Consumption

A frightening new study has found that 100% of people who drink milk die at some point in their lives. Scientists are scrambling to figure out the exact cause of this epidemic of milk-related deaths, while dairy farmers are doing whatever they can to keep things quiet.

Good Source of Vitamin-D or Good Source of Death?

“The specific causes of death vary with each person,” says lead researcher Dr. Phillip Dumass, “Some people have strokes, others have heart attacks, still others get infections. We’re not entirely sure how the milk causes these things, but we know that every person who’s had a milk in our study has died at some point in the future.”

There has never been a substance whose causes of death are so variable, Dr. Dumass claims. “Of the hundred people that we gave milk to, 30 died of heart attacks, 20 died of stroke, 15 died of influenza,  10 died in car accidents, 9 died in stabbings, 8 died in shootings, 7 died from drownings, and 1 was struck by lightning. The common factor? We gave milk to all of them.”

A particularly disturbing detail is that it seems the amount of time between milk consumption and death is highly variable. “One thing that’s really spooky about all this is that whole years will go by after drinking the milk before the patient dies. I mean, we’re talking decades here. Extremely long periods of time,” Dr. Dumass continued, “then BAM! Out of nowhere, they’re hit by a bus. All we know right now is that the milk is involved in some way. It’s going to take years of research and millions in funding to fully understand this correlation…”

The Federal Food and Drug Administration has already started funneling money into further research of the milk-death correlation. $100 million dollars has already been appropriated from the federal budget for public schools. The accompanying press release by the Director of the Food and Drug Administration justifies this spending by stating that “it is paramount that we discover this the cause of this correlation between milk consumption and eventual death. Millions of lives hang in the balance. The public schools can take one more for the team…”