I was looking through my local newspaper when I happened upon a very interesting article. I’ve taken the liberty to retype it here so that all twelve of my adoring readers can enjoy it as well.


Late Saturday night, Officer Steven “Buzz” Kilar was on patrol when he noticed something strange in one of the many Mission Hill homes. Bright lights were flashing in the house’s darkened windows and the entire building seemed to thump in time to a beat. Though it was hard to hear, he could make out the sound of voices. Not wasting any time, he pulled over to investigate.

“I knocked on the door a bunch of times, but nobody answered. I knew something was up, call it cop’s intuition or sixth sense or whatever. Anyways, I kicked the door in and couldn’t believe what I saw,” says the hero cop on his dynamic entrance.

Beyond the door’s threshold was easily the most awesome party Boston had ever seen. “Yeah, the place was just packed with people.” He said with a shrug. “The music was blasting, there must’ve been at least three or four kegs, liquors I’ve never even heard of before.”

Artist's rendition of the alleged "epic shitshow."

It was at that point that the brave and heroic officer then brandished his nightstick and told everyone to leave before he thumped their skulls in. However, he still could not get over just how great of a party it was. “Yeah, this was definitely a night those kids are never going to forget. I mean, it was just one of those parties where everyone is in a great mood and no stupid drunk drama is going to break out. I’m willing to bet that if I didn’t show up everyone would’ve gotten laid that night.”

The courageous officer then shook his head and smiled. “I remember when I was in college. Parties like that one don’t come around very often. Sometimes once in your entire college career. I’m glad it was something I could be a part of. I feel like I’ve really made a difference.”

The citizens of Boston can rest easy knowing that the police are patrolling the streets, keeping everyone safe from totally bitchin’ ragers.