This weekend, between getting black-out drunk and smacked in the face with the spliff plank, I had the opportunity to watch the last fifteen minutes of a  movie called Encino Man.

As you can expect from any movie that features Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore in the same zip code, it was horrible. No, worse than horrible. Dreadful is really the only word that can fully capture the shitiness of the movie. And this is overlooking the fact that this movie was made in the mid-nineties, which is a separate layer of shitiness in itself.

And while I didn’t watch the entire movie, I figured out the plot from those painfully long final 15 minutes before Supertroopers came on. Basically, Brendan Fraser is a caveman that Pauly Shore and friends find and introduce to 20th century living. Of course, this makes them extremely popular at their high school until it all comes crashing down when the school bully finds out the truth. In the end, nobody cares that Brendan Fraser is a cave man and everyone goes to a party after prom and gets laid.

Yep. That’s right. That is the plot of a movie that grossed 40 million dollars. And once the credits finally rolled, I said to myself “Who actually likes Pauly Shore?” I mean, is there one human being on this planet that is actually happy when they see Pauly Shore’s face on the big screen? Is there a single diseased mind that is so fucked up that it actually produces serotonin and dopamine upon hearing that tell-tale “Hey, Buuuuuud-deeeeee”? Clearly, there must be since Pauly Shore is in more than one movie.

See, the thing about Pauly Shore is that no matter what role he’s supposed to be playing, he’s always Pauly Shore. Sort of like how Christopher Walken is always Christopher Walken, Nicholas Cage Nicholas Cage, and Bruce Willis Bruce Willis. The thing that makes Pauly Shore so exceptional is that he’s horrible.

His voice is one of the most obnoxious out there and he never has anything smart or clever to say, making him a verbal double whammy. It’s always just “Ahwooooh!”  or “It’s the Leaning Tower of Cheezah!” It’s pretty clear that they really take their time in crafting lines for this guy.

Pauly Shore’s suckiness made me realize something about fame and fortune. It turns out you need literally 0 talent to become famous. I guess I should have realized this based on the fact that Paris Hilton exists, along with all the other people who don’t do anything except for being stupid, sloppy, whorish harpies who don’t bring anything to the table. But Pauly Shore is what really made it click for me.

Clearly being famous has little to nothing to do with talent, skill, or personality because there are so many people who don’t have any of those things. Yes, the ones who are talentless are barely famous, but people who have never met them still know their names.

I was talking with one of my friends this weekend about my future as an artist. I was telling him that I had a feeling that I would not experience success as a writer in my lifetime.  I still can’t quite verbalize it, but the reason for this feeling is somewhere between not being a good enough writer and nobody recognizing my brilliance until it’s far too late. But after having this Pauly Shore epiphany, I realized that I definitely have the potential for success.

If somebody who sucks as hard as Pauly Shore can experience success as an artist, and I use that term very loosely when applying it to what Pauly Shore does, then fame and fortune are well within my grasp. All I need to do is keep writing, keep reading, keep improving, and I’ll get to where I want to be.

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