Like most people, I have an abundance of time. Eighty or so years left to fill in with whatever I feel like doing. Sometimes I do things of a scholarly nature like studying Russian, writing, reading, ect. Things that’ll generally make me smarter, if not then at the very least make me appear smarter. But most of the time I waste my life with stupid-ass distractions. Facebook, Twitter, Call of Duty, looking at pictures of cats on the internet, making blog posts. These things can be described as massive fucking wastes of time. Really really fun, but massive fucking wastes of time nonetheless.

Among the things that I enjoy wasting my time on are movies. And movies are one of those things that toe the line between Massive Fucking Waste of Time and Beautiful Work of Art. Some movies go beyond entertainment. Some movies are right up there with Classical literature.

Take Black Swan for example. Black Swan was all about Natalie Portman’s descent into insanity, due to her pent up sexual frustrations coupled with the paranoia that her understudy, Mila Kunis, was trying to steal her part. Beautiful movie with tons of thought and symbolism put into it.

However, the movie that I saw this weekend was not of the likes of Black Swan. Not even close. The movie that I saw this weekend was called Sucker Punch. And before you raise your eyebrows and give me that judgmental look that I’m so used to seeing. Yep. That one right there. Fuck you. I knew going into it that Sucker Punch was by no means going to be as good as Black Swan. I knew that it was going to be an action movie. That is, tons of violence, big tits, and flimsy, if not non-existent, plot.

But Sucker Punch was so bad that I can’t help but bitch about it on the internet. And yeah, I’m spoiling the movie, but believe me, you’ll thank me for having saved you two hours of your life better spent looking at pictures of cats on the internet.

First off, every action scene in this movie doesn’t actually happen. They are all actually metaphors for…wait for it…. the main character’s dancing. Let me just say that again. The action scenes in this movie were a metaphor for the main character’s dancing. And not just any type  of dancing, either. Her dancing was so sexy, so stimulating, that she was able to hypnotize men while her hooker friends steal shit from them in order to escape.

That is seriously the plot of this movie. Some whore dances for guys and imagines an epic battle while her friends steal shit from them so they can escape the whorehouse. Now, the movie didn’t start with this plot. It starts with the main girl (who isn’t named until the hour and a half mark) getting taken to an insane asylum, where she is nearly lobotomized. Then the setting suddenly changes from insane asylum to whorehouse. Literally just like that, making the twist at the end painfully obvious. That is, the entire whorehouse ordeal (90% of the movie) was all in the main girl’s head and she actually just gets a spike in the eye.

Now, this movie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all of the typecasting of genders. All of the women are vulnerable little bitches and all of the men are raging sexist douchebags that can’t keep their dicks in their pants for two seconds. Seriously, there’s like three attempted rapes in this movie. But all that changes when the main girl comes along. She empowers her beat up hooker friends with her dancing and gives them the courage to steal shit so they can make their daring escape. Meanwhile, she has crazy violent fantasies of shooting German zombies and killing dragons with her katana. Seriously.

Did I say that the movie wouldn’t be that bad because of that one thing? Man, was I fucking wrong. The acting was god-awful. The lead looked like one of those creepy Japanese sex dolls made to look as realistic as possible but is still clearly not human. You know the ones I’m talking about. Plus, there was no characterization. Like at all.  The characters had the same amount of personality throughout the whole story. No growth of any kind. So, scenes that were supposed to be really dramatic and heartfelt, like when one of her hooker friends die, didn’t mean anything to me. I was just like “Eh, what’s one more dead hooker?”

Shit, there was barely any dialogue. It was like the writers of this movie planned to get together to write the dialogue, but instead got really fucked up the night before and were too hungover to get to work, so they made the barely literate intern do it. Or they just said “Fuck it, we’ll throw in tons of CGI and everything will be fine.”

This movie was a waste of two hours. The action sequences were alright, I’ll give them that, but they were too few and too interspersed with absolute horseshit to have any redeeming quality. If I had paid to see this movie, I think I would’ve had a rage stroke.